Heidy's Spot

Truth... or dare?

2010-08-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

"It is not hard to be loved when you want to be loved, what is hard is to be loved when you are fighting against it."

To my God...

2010-08-02T15:11:00.000-07:00

“In a world full of uncertainties and multiple blizzards you have been my anchor, you have given me untouchable and infinite faith, you have given me something to believe in without conditions, you have accepted me as I am, stained with sins and full of unfair judgements, you have loved me…Thank you.”

Re-emerge...

2010-08-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

New life… re-emerging from the ashes, from humanity, a symbolic expression of life, of the depths of being, a feeling that hardly ever shows. It oppresses your heart and set it free at the same time. You can get upset in a second, letting your life pass you by as you nourish yourself with this negative feeling and instead you receive nothing but pain, for you, for your soul: for your essence. You plunge into a state of euphoria, happiness and dreams. You feel…or you do not feel. You evoke life, hatred, love, spiritualism. You arouse and calm down with the same ease. You laugh and you cry in the same thought. You cannot find this type of character very often; it exists and not many people understand it. Only a few stay enough to search the soul, to see beyond vision: beyond what you let know. I once heard: “You only know about me, what I want you to know.” A fact I understood very long after hearing it. Since then I have captured that fact as a virtue. You save for you, that which makes you vulnerable, your ace under your sleeve your shield. What you probably do not know is that if nothing gets out, generally, nothing gets in, and you focus in protecting yourself in such way that when you emerge, light blinds you without letting you see what is right before your eyes… but little by little, you start to relish and feel everything…Re-emerging.

Is then when you notice the smile, that since a while ago occupies your mind, getting more strong as you arise, yearning, feeling…living.

Changes...

2010-08-02T14:57:00.000-07:00

So often we wish for impossibles, for a long time I wished it was all a dream, no more than a nightmare after the sun fell down the earth. Now I know better, circumstances are bounded by the universe and by it's energies as well; for so they oftenly change, changing humans in the process. I've learned feelings change too, as quickly as a second pass. I know I'm not the same person I was when the sun beated the earth on it's race to the sky. Don't you know? Even as I write these letters I changed a thousand times. Akward, but true, behind my eyes you"ll find the proof, the must sincere evidence of trasmutation. There is no lack of evilness in this world, only the certainty that kindness does exist: everywhere around us, although evil blind us enough not to see it.

Every flower in bloom, the very first spark of snow in winter, the first leaf to fall on autunm, the first whisper of life in a newborn, the smile on a thousandtimes hurted old gouger: it all reminds us everything has a purpose, a reason to be.

Universe reminds us: Everything happens for a reason

Trust...

2010-08-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

It slipped like water through my fingers…it travelled my heart like the banks of a river, soaking everything on its path. It filled me with peace. It gave light to my glance covering it with laugh. Its fondness surrounds me giving warmth to the darkest corner of my soul. It turned into light the oxygen I breathe, giving my mind some emotion. As I close my eyes I only see light & spirit, I feel like I’m flying in its wings, above rivers of holy land; its dreamy essence moves me, giving tenacity to my soul, soaking it with life. It scares away my solitude, in the coolest winters of my soul. It drinks away my tears leaving a sweet taste on my lips. It never judges me, letting me shine with light of my own. In it’s presence I’m just me and only me. Nothing so simple and yet so complicated all the same, Sometimes I try to hide and though I try to protect myself, I can hardly avoid it, when did it get away? When did it catch me? How do I get out of this one? Do I really want to get out? How do I describe such weird feeling? How do I keep it from wrapping me? It gives me peace and balance…should I reject that in order to avoid tears? It filled me with light in a summer afternoon, it pulled a smile from me that I was saving for someday. It kissed my heart daring it to feel, drawing me out of myself, pulling me near you.

Dreams...

2010-08-02T14:49:00.000-07:00

A while ago I had a dream, I dreamt that life passed me by and I couldn’t stop time. In my sleepless nights I wondered where the balance of my judgement leaned to. I started to remember all those people that for ignorance or imprudence, I hurt on my road through life. I asked for forgiveness in silence and forgave as well, with a whisper of the wind. Nobody knew they’d been forgiven and they didn’t notice my regret either. Days have passed since I had this weird dream and I recently became aware that it wasn’t just a dream, it was a reminder from my short stay in the ground. Since then I’ve tried my best to fill everything that surrounds me with peace, feeling for no one and everyone a dose of justification , after all Jesus preached: “That who’s free of sins, throw the first rock.”

As I awoke I realized there where a lot of things I didn’t say, things I never did…I lifted my face towards the sun and took a deep breath. The sky was more blue and clear from every cloud that wanted to dull it. The water felt fresh on my skin and flavours where more intense. I felt alive. Clear from every doubt about the world and myself. I understood that the earth doesn’t dance to the rhythm of chance but with the beat you want to play. I understood that my life was a piece of paper that God gave me, so I could write anything I wanted. Only I was allowed to write in that piece of paper; he also gave me an exquisitely built quill, with my soul as its inkwell. Of soft grip I was absolutely sure that only I could use it. My eyes turned more compassionate, my touch less rough, my tongue less sharp & hurtful. I learned to feel as others would. I started to live for me and not bounded by other’s opinions.

I had a dream again last night, I dreamt I was free, I dreamt that on a spring of water all my wounds faded away and there was only peace left. Peace for knowing I’m in control of myself and my spirit. Peace for knowing only I can manage my fate and that God only gave me a hand. A hand to create, a hand to grow, a hand to love without measure, without expecting anything back, a hand to live.

Life...

2010-08-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing how sometimes life seems so desperate to stop being, sometimes you lose hope and give way to pain, letting it interfere with the blissful goals you propose…But it’s even more weird, how out of nowhere you get strength to go on and life seems even more beautiful and endless than ever…It’s like a book in which you decide what character to play that day, what act to carry on, how to feel. It’s weird how after a period of anxiousness and darkness, you start recovering, you notice certain light within you that makes you realize pain haven’t made you immune to feelings, but it turned them numb, to awake them later and even more intensely to magic, to life, to the power of feeling… “Life can’t be more precious than when you’re living it” and for that I’ve written these peace of my thought, because I believe it important enough to let it fly in the wind.

Just a thought...

2010-08-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

I would like to say I’m wiser now, I’d be lying. In the past I used to throw myself caution less to the deepest feeling, to the slightest emotion; now I force myself to test the limits of the affection that’s professed to me; although I don’t think any sage has dared before to test limits that are only human. For which I asked myself the following: until what point is it possible to reach a healthy balance? Where do one consider healthy to protect oneself? Where am I to get knowledge if I don’t yield myself to the most intense experience? How do I capture the feeling that slipped from my hands a few years ago? How do I know the exact moment in which my heart remembered how to feel?

Wounds sleep on the human heart, but they don’t kill it. When the hunger to feel arises, it’s possible that it’ll drown every need of protection. When that moment comes its impossible to avoid. Otherwise, how would you explain, that for human beings it’s impossible not to love.

Relationships...

2010-08-02T14:32:00.000-07:00

It all starts with a spark; it grows, although sometimes you can’t feel it. It turns into a flame and the flame doesn’t grow, but while it’s there, the warmth intensifies, making you feel it consumes you. Love, the key rests in maintaining fresh every wall that surrounds the flame. I’ve learned how to do it, though sometimes it’s more a problem than a solution. See, as time goes by the cold hurts and it even hurts more to try and get rid of every layer of ice you’ve created. It’s less hurtful to love and lose, than to try to love without quite achieving it. Reinventing yourself is another good advice, love step by step, learning again. Until now it’s served me well, slowly but safe. I’m currently 22 years old and on my short life I’ve learned that relationships are a spark turned into flame, it’ll warm you only if you let it. You can let it live in you, helping you carry your cross or you can run from it , believing it’ll be just another burden and living in a permanent winter, where the warmest thing you’ll have will be the embers of your childhood.

Bad writings...

2010-08-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

When you think your heart gives no more,

Something comes along, that makes you doubt,

You see a scene full of colour,

In a world full of dark and sorrow,

And then you remind yourself that you can still love.

It is an essence, a gift

That not everyone can maintain;

When war wounds

We pretend to heal,

We search for a glance

That gives us certainty,

Moreover, that is how we realize

That it is a need to love.

When you close your eyes

and you plunge into peace,

A fairytale world

You will probably find,

But it will only be possible, if you learn how to love.

In misfortunate occasions

A curse you will find,

And then you will repeat a thousand times

That you will not love in this life.

When you least expect it

and your shield you worship,

Suddenly turned into pieces

Vulnerable is how you are feeling

And that misfortune’s author

Gives you a well-said truth:

Not loving, if well impossible

It’s source of honey and bile,

Cause of disgrace and fortune.

Influences of the universe...

2010-08-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

Just because you do not notice it, it does not mean it is not there. That feeling, hides beneath a shaded stare, by fear and lack of confidence. Love struggling to get out, desperate to be it, tied by chains beyond vision. How much can solitude tie down? With knot in my throat, I wonder until when is it possible to be in this half-life state, where you feel to the maximum the good as much as the bad.

Every disappointment shatters a piece of your soul; every dream takes your mind to a trip of ecstasy, where indignation takes the heart to a point of unbearable pain. You feel your heart breaking into pieces, tearing you apart in such brutal way, that when the moon beats the sun on its race towards the sky, you cannot longer fight back your tears.
Tears, that in your thought are a source of vulnerability and since in the end we are all animals, you hide in your shell to lick your wounds and regret in silence what you said and what you didn’t.

But sometimes, when the pressure is to big to handle and you feel it crossing your heart and body, like silver thread slicing you, words flow without you been able to stop them, leaving a mix of guilt and relief in you. It makes you more vulnerable, feeling more fearful knowing you are risking to lose the least amount of sanity that you have left after each punch you get.

Life gives you reasons to keep on living. Sometimes I watch the sky and it amuses me how wonderfully blue it can be, I feel the air reaching my lungs and I feel free to be myself.

Once there was a girl that reached me, she had big brown eyes and she was like five years old, she was dressed in rags and selling flower; although she reflected the tough life she lived, her glance was so pure and charming that it was unsettling. She gave me half a smile and a sunflower; she made my day better and taught me something: there is always someone, which has better reasons to cry than you do, even when you do not notice it.

I did not see her again, but her face got stamped on fire in my memory and her essence left me a dose of optimism that served me well on my worst days.

Caution...

2010-08-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

My mind is as blank as the paper I look. I wait in vain for something to come up from my quill: a phrase, a thought, anything that soothes the longing I have for writing. From the depths of my mind, a memory arises: the lyrics from a song of one of my favorite artists. A particular phrase amuses me: “To touch the fire without wondering, if the flame can scald you.” Then I wonder: when was the last time that I acted without thinking, without wondering?

I start to think…and in silence, I go back to a time where I did not have to think twice before following what my heart said: my childhood. Now it seems another world, another life.

Many people preach and praise at my “supposed” maturity; they do not imagine what one ought to do to reach that state. They do not imagine that such state does not exist. It is just a peculiar way of dealing with situations that life presents you, keeping your composure intact at the same time. I have learned how to receive emotional punches without ruining my hairdo, at least from the impact. Keeping my head held high, as my soul breaks with deception.

My nature is transitional madness. Any stranger could think that nothing gets to me and the thing is I have become an expert on “seeming” careless. “In Bethlehem with shepherds” is what my family would say, meaning I am distracted, clueless and careless. I smile when I hear them, it is when I am in Bethlehem, that my minds travels faster, it is then when I am caught up with unanswered questions and millions of thoughts emerge to life in my head.

On the other hand, what others call maturity, I call fear to be hurt…again. I call it caution. A lot for my age, but I can hardly manage to avoid it. I recently did though. I sent cautiousness to sleep for a while and followed my heart; I touched the flame without wondering if it would burn me. I laugh as I remember. I still do not know if that will scald me, but at least it was I and not my conscience, nor logic made the choice. It was me for a second, an hour, a day, a week…a month; I have a couple of days wondering, if I should cover myself with my safety blanket or screw everything and keep living carelessly.
After all, I have realized that I can live through what my heart says and I will not die from deception. I have learned my lesson: “That which does not kill you, can only make you stronger.”